The best of what I’ve learned from self-help books

Good thoughts for bad moments

The wrong advice can be truly awful. And I’m very wary of people who dish it out, good or bad. Advice-givers are almost never experts on the subject they’re advising you on (ever noticed how it’s always parents of one child who are the quickest to tell everyone what they’re doing wrong?) But I do love a self-help book – when I’m in the thicket of writing a novel, I can’t read other novels so I relax with self-help and nutrition books, strange but true – and over the years I’ve picked up a few bits that have stayed with me as useful thoughts.

So I hope none of this is advice per se, more a batch of golden nuggets that have worked for me at various points. Some are practical, some are useful to repeat in one’s mind until the bad moment has passed. There’s no one-size-fits-all for solutions but maybe, if you’re finding the February grind a bit… well, of a grind… then I hope there’s something here that helps.

• Worry less about making the right decision. Instead, make the decision right

I’m guilty of overthinking things, probably because I spend so much time in my head for my job. (Although I’m sure I remember reading somewhere that writers are the least likely professionals to end up in therapy – perhaps because we process and write out the narrative of things that happened to us.) But when we face a decision crossroads, we simply can’t foresee all the possible avenues that each variable might take us down. It’s better to be decisive (always a more attractive quality, ‘I don’t mind’ being a singularly unhelpful and frustrating answer to any question) and then set about making that decision the right one.

• Choose your hard (aka ‘Face the consequences’)

Sometimes there’s no way round it, and you have to make a choice if you’re not to remain frozen in fear. It’s hard to be poor; it’s hard to be rich. It’s hard to be thin; it’s hard to be fat. It’s hard to be in prison; it’s hard to stay on the run. It’s hard to be married; it’s hard to be alone. It’s hard to study for a new qualification; it’s hard to remain unpromoted. Oliver Burkeman in Meditations for Mortals (which I haven’t finished yet but am finding it excellent so far) calls this ‘Face the Consequences’ – one way or the other, there will be consequences, from either doing or not doing a thing, and it’s better to face them and get through them, than stay stuck.

• Compare yourself only to your higher self

Don’t compare yourself to other people (easier said than done) but only to the best version of yourself – the self you know you can be.

• Man cannot live on bread alone, he needs his bit of crumpet

Don’t spend your whole time in adversity! Have a treat!!

• You can have it all – but not at the same time

This is from Michelle Obama in conversation with Oprah Winfrey. You can be a full-time parent or a fully-engaged business leader, but not at the same time. I don’t think a good/satisfying career and good parenting is mutually exclusive, by the way, but you have to accept that ‘good enough’ is good enough. I had a few years where my career was going well and I felt I was being a decent parent but I didn’t see much of my friends. Something has to give and that’s OK. (Friendship resuming once the space opens up in your life again is a genuinely good thing about getting older.)

• Choose curiosity over fear (for a creative life)

Be brave! What would happen if I did this thing? What’s the WORST that could happen? Usually it’s not that bad, a version of ‘might fall over’ or ‘get cold.’ Don’t do anything that endangers your life or your finances (no gambling) but have a go. Most things are reversible.

• These are the good days

A mantra to be repeated. You know when you look at photos of yourself ten years ago and remember that you thought you looked too fat or plain in them and now all you can see is youth and beauty? That.

• Stop looking at the mountain and stay in the foothills

Don’t be overwhelmed thinking about the end of the process or the hugeness of what you’re trying to achieve. Try only to concentrate on the beginning. One step at a time. A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step and all that. A good story: my mother stepped out for a while with an actor who was up for a lead part in a big film with the-then major star of the day. He came back home, where my mum was waiting for him. ‘How did it go?’ she asked.

‘Oh,’ he said, shoulders slumped. ‘I got it.’

‘Congratulations!’ said my mother, excited if bemused by his dejected posture. Before she could go on, he stopped her.

‘It’s terrible,’ he said. ‘I’ll never be able to be a normal person again. I won’t be able to get the bus, or go to the shops. Everyone will know who I am…’

Needless to say, he did the film and he didn’t become the next biggest movie star and was able to carry on getting the bus and going to the shops. I doubt he was thrilled with this outcome. In short, you don’t know where your early steps are going to take you, so stop worrying about that bit, just look at today.

• Keep it simple.

My husband lives by this one. Usually, when we get stuck with something it’s because we’ve overcomplicated it. It’s as great a ploy for sorting out a plot knot in a book as it is for refusing Aunt Margaret to stay the same weekend as Uncle Harry. It’s a pass to change something if it’s not working: strip the complication out.

• Done is better than perfect.

We all know perfectionism is the job candidate’s ‘weakness’ but it truly is the enemy. Saying something isn’t perfect enough yet is nothing more than your fear getting in the way.

• Always keep these two things in your house:

WD40 to make things go; duct tape to stop them.

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What are yours? I’d love to hear.

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